11/09/09 – Day Twenty One

So today is my “raw honesty” day. This last week was hard. I sabotaged myself. I noticed that my weight was not coming down and was going up slightly. How could this be happening? I have been religiously following the meal plan. I added the probiotics and benefiber to my day. I have not gone out to eat since starting this plan because I know that this is a weak point for me. Am I an emotional eater? Sometimes. But, I think that sometimes it’s more about my enjoyment of food, and of the company and conversation you get when you go out to eat. Well, Saturday night I went out to eat with my sister. I brought my Truvia with me and added that to my unsweetened iced tea. I even ordered well. I carefully scanned the menu and thought about what Jorge had said in our meeting… What is my protein?, etc… Trouble was I realistically should not have finished my meal. The portion was too big. As I began eating and talking, I forgot about what I was doing and I finished my plate. Just before I left the restaurant, I realized what I had done. I am very hard on myself, and suddenly it came over me. I was miserable with myself. Well, my mood carried to the next day and I didn’t track my meals and capped my night off with “pure sabotage”. I ate a large chocolate bar out of my daughter’s Halloween bowl. This was emotional eating, but in a different way. It wasn’t meant to make me feel better. Well feeling bad about myself only got worse. Around 12am, my lovely dogs began to bark to go outside. This is unusual for them to do – but karma was coming for me. I got up to let them out and I felt like crap. I don’t know if it was my body not liking the sugar that it just got used to not having anymore, but I felt like crap! I ended up being up for the next two hours. Awake and miserable. So here I was at a cross road. Do I give up and give in to my self sabotage or rise above? Before I went back to sleep I resolved to get up today and weigh myself. This morning, I accepted the damage (2 – 2.5lb gain) and am determined to break the cycle. I am renewed. I am hopeful too because in the past I would have given up or allowed this to go on for way to long. Not anymore. This is not just about my weight – it’s about all of me.
I am going to get on the computer today and own up to what I have done on the website. I will force myself to be accountable.
I went on the website. Recorded my weekend, and came across a song Jorge posted for us. It’s the song from Glee. Just what I needed today. Ironic, huh?
I also saw his quick update about people blogging about their experience. I'm going to check these out. Since I have been tracking my daily thoughts, I decided to post all my experiences for two reasons. One - accountabilty and two - maybe someone else is going through a similar thing like me and if this helps to keep them on track than its worth sharing.
I'm glad today is an online coaching day.